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Short Story

SHORT STORY OF THE MONTH

I’ve always been a helper. From assisting in my own birth (people often discount the baby’s efforts) onwards, I’ve always felt that my role is to help others. The name ‘Jesus Christ’ is often mentioned around me, but I reject the comparison – there are no three- to four-day gaps in my resume. Here are two examples of my deeds.

My early memories are hazy like seafoam, but I remember at age five hearing an argument between two people who I think are my parents. “A fair!” my mother is saying. “You had no right to go [can’t remember exact words] a fair!” There’s sobbing, but I tone it down so I can hear the argument. “It’s because of the kid!” my father calmly shouts. Interesting, I think. That Renaissance fair Dad took me to 18 months ago must have had a baby goat (aka kid) that he wanted to surprise Mum with, hence the secrecy.

As sure as two plus two (as I would find out at age 17) equals four, I knew what I had to do. I snuck downstairs, snuck Dad’s wallet and watch, and snuck down to the local petting zoo. Although it was closed due to the 2am-ness of the hour, I persuaded the adjacent-caraven-dwelling owner to wake up. With some light cajoling and heavy haggling, I persuaded him to take the wallet and watch in exchange for one of his petiter goats, one with a kid-like intensity.

When I presented it to my parents, a look of acceptance crossed my mother’s face. “You’re right,” she said to my father. I had done it! Coincidentally, they then enlisted me in the Children’s Navy and I was shipped off to the Gulf.

Navy life in the Middle East really ages you. I came out of my 10-year stint 18 years older, but it was great to see all the amazing help we were perpetrating on the people there. My navy tenure didn’t necessarily end because I’d achieved my career goals, but rather because I fell in love. My first kiss came early, at age 23, but that didn’t make it any less significant, and I fell hard.

t was odd, because it was someone I thought didn’t like me much. But then one day, as we were bareknuckle boxing, he leaned his head back and swung it towards mine as hard as he could. Admittedly, it was mostly forehead-to-forehead contact, but our lips brushed briefly, and I understood his intent. After all, headbutting was expressly not permitted in boxing, so why else would he do it?

If you’re anything like me, being in love is a lot like being concussed – in that you need medical treatment for concussion when you fall in love. Since I knew my suitor was a bit shy, I decided to take the initiative. My love strategy is to immolate the target in a maelstrom of kind gestures, so I set about writing letters, scattering petals, and obtaining young goats (old habits).

Late one night, Mr Right came to my bunk to speak to me. He explained that my actions had helped him to see that there was something flawed to Western capitalist democracies, if people like me were the product. He thanked me for the realisation, and defected to our enemy nation-state (I’ve forgotten the name).

By H E Matheson

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General News

NEWS UPDATES PAGE

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Uncategorized

RIP AAP: Another Nail in the Coffin of Journalism


By SAS


In late-March, an article suggesting half of the UK’s population had already been infected with coronavirus was published in the Financial Times. The article cited an Oxford University scholar from the Evolutionary Ecology of Infectious Disease group. Public speculation on this topic is understandably rife, with countries such as the UK, the US and Australia still sorely lacking in Covid-19 testing resources and clear containment strategies. This naturally leads to the assumption that many cases are multiplying undetected. However, not only did this Times article bolster the infamous and now abandoned ‘herd immunity’ government line, but it subsequently emerged that the study was not peer-reviewed, and that it was sent to the media by a public relations company with government links. When this came to light the damage had already been done.

In Australia meanwhile, the announcement of the Australian Associated Press’ closure last month was quickly overshadowed by the all-consuming Covid-19 pandemic. Though a less recognised name than its ex-corporate backers Nine and News Corp, AAP is responsible for a good percentage of the copy and photos seen in mainstream publications. Thus the hit to Australian journalism is bigger than we might think. With Coronavirus misinformation currently being spread unchecked by media outlets, particularly by outlets susceptible to those (e.g. Clive Palmer) who will pay for its dissemination, it’s now as important as ever to have fact-based and scrutinised coverage. This misinformation is particularly alarming given that companies are capitalising on the heightened public anxiety as well as changes to daily life brought on by social distancing, by reminding us what we can watch, subscribe to, and get delivered to us through this lockdown. In turn, the media are naturally giving air to things that we will click on i.e. all things corona: accuracy is a secondary concern to profit.

The loss of 500 or so job with some staff being picked up by News Corp and Nine – is not the only reason we should be worried about this latest media dissolution. The concentration of media nation-wide into two main competitors results in a loss of accountability that can come from alternative news sources, and if those competitors are not invested in high quality work, will lead to less reliable information. For instance, news clients previously using the copy and photos will have to do the work previously done by AAP; work that consists of time-consuming background journalism (boring but important work). Whether this work will continue to get done is uncertain. Many of these outlets have already demonstrated that they won’t dedicate enough resources to fact-check their journalism.

The two investors behind AAP unashamedly admitted that they didn’t want to continue their funding of a company which benefited their competition, namely smaller media organisations such as the Guardian. As intended, many organisations that rely on AAP to fill their content won’t be able to survive. Perhaps Nine and NewsCorp think they can find a balance between filing in what they got from AAP and cutting content, but it is inevitable that the expenses involved in sending journalists to do time-consuming coverage will induce them to cut corners. This is the business model of our economic climate.


The photography side of journalism will be equally affected. A staff member at AAP told the Meddler that they predict more photos will be scraped off social media or supplied by public relation firms working on behalf of political parties and corporations alike, rather than from photojournalists. “Photos will be less professional, more biased, and a lot of things won’t be covered” he said. This is important because images are what people look at first and they are what stick in our minds after the words have faded. When analysed, they can reveal as much bias as an article, but are impervious to allegations of falsehood.

AAP’s collapse means less impartiality and less objective photojournalism in Australia. Media diversity has reached an all-time low, just when we need it the most. It will be interesting to see whether the AAP workers will maintain their standards despite the new media environment they find themselves in, and whether smaller news outlets will be able to survive. Hopefully balanced journalism isn’t buried along with the AAP.

Categories
Advice Column

Give Me Some Advice

By SP

My housemate is concerned about the environment, which is great, but she doesn’t flush the toilet after peeing. We shouldn’t waste water, but I hate the smell of pee and sometimes I’m embarrassed if we have guests over. What can I do?’


Go to Bunnings and pick up a handful of paint swatches ranging from Lemonade to Burnt Orange. From there you two can establish which level of hydration falls into the ‘acceptable zone’. Display the swatches above the toilet and anything that falls outside the acceptable zone gets flushed. Compromise!

Kidding. There’s a really simple answer here: get an essential oil diffuser. Or an air freshener, toilet deodorizer, whatever! A quick Google search says a bowl of baking soda near the toilet will soak up the smell.

Flushing pee everytime is wasteful. Feel free to flush your own, but unless your housemate’s pee is so pungent you can still smell it under an oil diffuser I don’t think you’ve got a leg to stand on.

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What's Up?

What’s Up

By Vlack


If you are outside at about 2 a.m. under a clear sky in April, face the east, and you will see a striking trio of planets lined up above: reddish-orange Mars, yellowish Saturn, and the highest and brightest, Jupiter. Mars is relatively close to Earth now, and with binoculars, you may see it as a disc, not just a red dot; and you may also see the rings of Saturn and the moons of Jupiter. Between the 15th & 17th of April,the Moon, in its Last Quarter phase, will be passing near these three planets.

If you’re watching later on in the morning, say around 6 a.m., you can see another planet added to the view: Mercury, which rises about 5 a.m. in mid
April. For the planet-watcher, Mercury can be elusive, usually hidden by -or outshone by- the Sun. But now, for a few weeks, we have the best views of it until much later in the year. On April 22nd the Moon will be very close to Mercury- although with the Moon almost New, and only just above the horizon at dawn, it may be hard to spot this.

The evening sky also has its attractions. Venus will be prominent, low in the western sky in April twilights, and on the 3rd and 4th of April, the constellation of Pleiades, or the Seven Sisters, will appear to become an octet as Venus passes through. Look for this immediately after sunset. Venus is so bright that it can be seen in daylight – although this is difficult if you don’t know where to look.

Speaking of the daytime skies, don’t look at the Sun! (even with sunglasses) – but we must mention that it is currently going through a major upheaval as its South and North Magnetic Poles change places. This sounds alarming, but happens regularly about every 11 years, and is part of a cycle related to sunspot activity. This solar magnetic activity has been observed through 24 such cycles, but the mechanics of it are still poorly understood. However, as it affects the Earth’s ‘space weather’, radio transmissions, the amount of UV radiation reaching the Earth and possibly terrestrial weather and climate, it is a vital area of study. The Parker Solar Probe, orbiting well within Mercury’s orbit, will continue to gather information on this subject over several years.


In Australia, the autumn equinox is on March 20. Not only are day and night of equal length, but the equinoxes are the only days when the Sun rises exactly in the east and sets exactly in the west. For the other days of the year, this cannot be said to be strictly true.

(Note: stated times are in Australian Eastern Standard Time, not Australian Eastern Daylight Time – add an hour for daylight saving, i.e., up to 5th of April)

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Uncategorized

You CAN Handle the Truth

By BB

An easy-to-understand explanation of specific law-related issues.

DISCLAIMER: This information does not constitute legal advice; don’t get your legal advice from a newsletter, only get legal advice from a practising lawyer!

This is a really interesting time in Australia’s legal history. During this pandemic, complex and multi-layered public health laws can and have empowered the federal and state governments to take reasonable and sometimes extreme measures to minimise harms. (For the legislation hungry out there, see: section 190 of the Victorian Public Health and Wellbeing Act 2009 for a full list of ‘public health risk powers’ the state government has!). While we currently need the government to implement temporary measures to combat the pandemic and provide relief to those affected, there are other repercussions we should watch for. We should remain vigilant about the emergency powers being used by police to justify discrimination against minorities, scrutinise decisions of landlords to pursue evictions and interrogate decisions by bosses to stand down workers with no pay (if this happens, please contact JobWatch or the Fair Work Ombudsman to check whether this was legally done).

Despite the allure of delving into the new rules and regulations springing up during this pandemic, we resist: there are still too many other important legal questions to explore! Such as the fact that cannibalism isn’t specifically a crime.

Not to worry though — there are a number of state laws that, read together, basically make it illegal.

Section 34BB of the Crimes Act 1958 (Vic) says that a person will have committed an offence if they intentionally engaged in conduct involving ‘human remains’, and that conduct was ‘offensive’. The act goes on to define ‘offensive conduct’ as ‘if, in all the circumstances, it is likely to arouse significant anger, resentment, outrage, disgust or repulsion in the minds of reasonable people’. This section prohibits a wide array of conduct involving human body parts, and, assuming that the act of eating another person (dead or alive) is widely considered abhorrent in society, cannibalism is also caught by this law. Interestingly, you will still be committing an offence if you eat human remains if you had an ‘honest and reasonable belief’ that eating human remains was okay. Ignorance is famously no defence, and the lawmakers made sure to include this reminder!

For the detail-focused reader, ‘human remains’ is defined in section 3 of the Cemeteries and Crematoria Act 2003 (Vic) as including bodily remains, cremated human remains or body parts. ‘Body parts’ is further defined as ‘human tissue or a part of a person [that] is not part of a corpse’.


And so, if society gets to a point where we broadly consider cannibalism to be totally reasonable, new laws won’t need to be brought in abolishing cannibalism as a crime; it’ll just be legally permissible. This potentially explains why people are able to request eating their placenta after they have given birth

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Flavours of Coburg

FLAVOURS OF COBURG

AUSSIE DERA

Special Home Edition 

Things were slowly closing around Coburg and the beloved restaurants of the area transitioned to delivery or take-away only options.

We had cancelled our plans to visit Aussie Dera, the Pakistani restaurant on the corner of Sydney Rd and Moore St. The purple shop front glows out at the passing traffic, offering passers-by a glimpse into a large bay marie stocked with an assortment of traditional pakistani meals. 

Alas, we elected to pre-empt the mandatory closing of shops and chose instead to try Aussie Dera’s takeaway option. 

Aussie Dera’s online menu offers karahi (curry cooked in a steep-sided wok-like pot), Pakistani stews suchs haleem and nihari; all converging around the $14-$15 price range. For the vegetarian there is a dedicated vegetarian menu (for vegans it will take some guess-work) offering popular items like the daal chana ($14) and aloo gobi ($14). Which is what we ordered!

We spooned equal parts of the daal chana and aloo gobi into bowls and grabbed some (very fluffy, very large) garlic naan ($3). The daal chana was the stand-out dish. The ginger announced itself and we received it greedily. The spice — which we were happily unable to alter — played confidently but was careful not to overwhelm. Overall, there was an unmistakable smokey, buttery quality that united us in appreciation of the dish. As for the aloo gobi, the onion sauce was tangy and fresh, and the potato and cauliflower were cooked perfectly.

In summary, we were sad to not attend Aussie Dera in person and to observe the restaurant that has been bringing high-quality Pakistani food to the area for over five years. Despite this, Aussie Dera delivered us excellent food with generous portions.

Aussie Dera
78 Sydney Rd, Coburg
9388 4377  

Categories
General News

Neoclassical economics: bullsh*t dressed as science

By Ani Seed

Do you often wonder how the mysterious ‘economy’ works? It’s so central to our lives; we engage in it just about every day and it’s pretty important in determining how our society works. Economics is the study of the making, distributing and using of stuff (both material things and services). There are heaps of different theories and ways of looking at the economy which focus on the various parts of the complicated system, but before you zone out and turn the page, don’t worry this will get juicy.

The current mainstream theory is called Neoclassical Economics. This is what is mainly taught in universities, and those who learn it go on to be a big part of the decision making process in our society. Hopefully understanding a bit more about the assumptions and conclusions of this pervasive theory will help you understand a little more about why our society is the way it is.

Neoclassical economics comes from the much more down-to-earth theories that understood the importance of power, historical context, psychology and other important things, but along the way some people decided to pretend it could be simplified into a science. It went from being called political economy to economics, signalling a conceptual shift from economics as a subjective and changing field to one dealing in absolute truths with its central thoughts explained in graphs and numbers. How can complicated ideas around how resources are distributed in a society with inequalities and complicated human nature be put into a graph you ask? Pretend like all humans have the same unchanging wants of course! Pretend like humans are completely rational all the time, and have perfect information about everything, including predicting the future. Sound bizarre? This is just one part of the loss of common sense that neoclassical economics exhibits.

In fear of this turning into a rant against neoclassical economics (which — for the sake of transparency — I am very much capable of, as I am harbouring a lot of anger against the way it impacts our world) I will add that of course it has its useful bits. It is usual to try and measure things in an uncertain world. All theories that look into the economy are useful, so we shouldn’t just throw it in the bin. Though there is definitely a part of my brain that wants to do just that — proving once again that we are not solely rational beings.

Categories
Mall-Contents

MALL-CONTENTS

Local workers share their insights

Paul K C works in Victoria Mall and set aside some time to answer a few questions

What’s it like working in a shopping-strip in competition with other shops – do the shop workers have a good relationship with the other businesses?

I’m just a waiter and I always do what’s best for the customers who come to us. I never try to get other customers. I feel quite friendly with the other employers. I’ve never had feelings of competing with others, because there’s no need. Customers have already made up their mind about which store they are gonna use for food and coffees. Sometimes customers have orders from two places and I don’t feel bad about serving them. I respect and honour customers when they enter our premises. I am actually glad to work here. 

Do you think that the cafes should stay open later in the Victoria Mall? Why/why not?

If you are asking where or not cafes should open late at night, I would say yes! They should. But opening only one cafe could be risky sometimes. But if all cafes are open with proper lighting, there is no need to worry about any danger. However theft is a problem here; we had such cases in the past. 

What do you like about the area?

It is a naturally beautiful place, especially near Merri Creek. Other than that, I don’t know much about it. 

Has working in Coburg taught you anything?

Working in Coburg taught me to be quick at service. I have also learnt how weather affects people’s desire for outdoor food. I have learnt to respect different aspects of people and appreciate them. Finally, people love good food and they stick to it almost forever. 

— Paul K C

Categories
General News

Reducing Cars in Coburg: A Good Idea Done Poorly

Upon leafing through the mail on Friday 13 March, Coburg residents were likely met with a notice from Moreland Council announcing that there would be changes to parking limits in the area. The more watchful Coburg local may have heard rumblings of these changes back in July 2018, when the Council drafted the now-adopted ‘Moreland Integrated Transport Strategy’ (MITS). This strategy mentioned introducing better parking management in Moreland as a way to encourage residents of Moreland to reduce their reliance on cars and to use more sustainable modes of transport. 

The new parking changes will bring 2-hour parking limits to all unrestricted street parking within roughly 200 metres of the ‘Coburg Activity Centre’ (and other ‘activity centres’ around Moreland). The Coburg Activity Centre is the term the Council uses to refer to a large misshapen zone that captures various pockets of land close to Sydney Rd, stretching from Batman Station down to Moreland Station. The Council have identified the regions within this zone as being important to focus on for development, protection and growth. 

At the February Council meeting this year a large number of residents waited patiently to air their concerns about the new changes. Older residents were concerned that a mainstay of their social life – lengthy community club events and functions – would be negatively impacted. Local school workers raised the fact that under the new rules some staff members would miss out on permits. They also pointed out that parents would be discouraged from volunteering their time to assist with school programs. A number of residents raised the safety issue for women required to move their cars late at night (at this stage the parking limits were from 8am-11pm; they have now been made 8am-8pm). There were also people with big families who were concerned that the limit on permits available for residents would mean their adult children would be encouraged to leave home. Finally, there were calls to reopen public consultation on the matter.

James Conlan, from the cyclist advocacy group, the Moreland BUG, says that whilst he supports efforts to reduce reliance on cars in Moreland, he is frustrated by the MITS. “If the intent is to achieve genuine modal shift, alongside the drastic parking changes we’re seeing, there needs to be a similar drastic increase in the funding of cycling and walking routes, and that’s not what we’re seeing”. James’ main concern is that the new parking changes have taken the entire focus of Council and are sidelining the other elements of the MITS plan that are crucial to its success. “Usually every decade the Moreland Council creates a 10-year bike plan for Moreland detailing the things they want to fund, but this year it has been dropped and no proper strategy has taken its place” he says. 

The Council have justified the changes by claiming that limits on parking around the ‘Coburg Centre’ will go towards the bigger plan to ‘encourage sustainable transport, like walking, cycling, and public transport’ in accordance with the MITS. This is undeniably a valuable cause. There are too many cars on our roads, and there are not nearly enough safe cycling and walking lanes. It is also clear that parking limits can contribute to the goal of reducing cars. However, Coburg’s current infrastructure is not set up to support the different modes of transport the Council wants us to start using. Sydney road is only well-lit from Munro to Bell St, and the surrounds are notoriously dangerous. The buses only travel the main roads, and the tram and trains in the area are amongst the slowest and most infrequent services in Melbourne. Cyclists in Coburg have been calling for dedicated bike lanes and safe bike paths for decades due to dangerous road conditions. Limited car usage in an area ill-suited for alternative modes of transport creates more problems than it solves. 

The parking limits were set to be introduced from May of this year, but due to the current global crisis, Council have said they will delay implementation until the end of the year or until the state of emergency is over. 

WHY START WITH PARKING?  

The Council’s decision to start implementing parking restrictions without equally meaningful engagement and investment in the other elements of the MITS plan is curious. While the Council may just consider the move to be low-hanging fruit, it may instead be owing to another scheme approved by the Council; the Central Coburg 2020 Structure Plan. 

The stated goal of this plan, adopted in 2006, is to regenerate Coburg by developing the area to include more accommodation and retail space in the activity centre. Shortly after the plan was adopted, the Council purchased back the site of the notorious ‘second’  Coles of Coburg — the smaller, less stocked and less frequented Coles. Before this, Council had leased the site to a BiLo store. Incredibly, in 1980 BiLo had negotiated a whopping 99-year long lease with the Council which included the enormous car park area. Whatever caused this epic deal to transpire, it was far from the minds of Council in 2006 when they announced the ending of the onerous contract. They claimed the move was in pursuit of the then newly adopted plan which specifically refers to the ‘open lot car parking’ around the Coburg Activity Centre as not supporting ‘the mixture and intensity of uses which could support a more vibrant local economy’. Furthermore, supporting documentation for the development plan mentions that ‘much of the proposed retail, commercial (and possibly residential) development will be built on current car parking allotments’ in Central Coburg. 

With these moves to enable development of Coburg in mind, the rationale for the recent parking changes being strictly about fulfilling the MITS seems less clear. It’s clear that the Council is looking to develop the big car parks in the ‘Coburg Activity Centre’ (like the one between the two Coles’), and they are hoping to avoid the impact that reduced car parks will have on the surrounding residential streets.

If the introduction of parking limits around Coburg is in pursuit of alleviating long-term parking of Coburg Central users in the close-by residential streets, this needs to be communicated. If development will negatively impact residents, it should be openly spoken about and residents should be given the opportunity to respond. Instead, the parking limits are being presented solely as a move to increase sustainability. Ironically, this move to become more environmentally sustainable is also paving the way for developers to increase Coburg’s traffic. 

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