Patrick Brainchime was born in Coburg in 1947, the youngest of two parents, and lived his entire life in the suburb, aside from his first death in 1999-2003. His parents, Belle and Furnace, were recent emigres, having fled the 1932 War of Balwyn, which saw Balwyn and Balwyn North separate into two suburbs. They settled in Coburg and had two children – Patrick and his older brother Paragon.
Mr Brainchime’s early life was as initially idyllic as it was later tragic. When he was six, he and Paragon were playing in a field (an idyllic field) when his brother collapsed suddenly. Townsfolk came to their aid, and Paragon was rushed to hospital, where he was quickly pronounced dead. Preliminary reports suggested death was caused by the lightning bolt he was struck by, but doctors decided to keep an open mind due to the bellyful of pistachio shells.
Unfortunately, life became difficult for Patrick after this. His mother, Belle, who held an idealised image of Paragon in her mind, always compared Patrick unfavourably to his brother. She also blamed him for Paragon’s death, suggesting he could have pushed him into a rubber thicket, or perhaps used a hand mirror to deflect the bolt.
Conversely, Furnace Brainchime had never liked Paragon, but thought that Patrick was too similar to him, and didn’t like to be reminded of his least-favourite son. As such, Patrick assumed that role and his father was cold and distant to him from then on.
Like many people in the situation where their older brother has been struck by lightning and their parents dislike them for opposing reasons, Patrick retreated into a world of imagination and fantasy. His creativity led to him being offered a job designing celebrities for the government when he was 15 – this was in the days before celebrity design was automated.
It was here that Patrick flourished, starting off as a junior, designing necks and pelvises of celebrities, before eventually working up to designing his own. For the fans of old Coburgwood out there, you may remember ES Carpment, the crooner with vertigo, or even Juanita Juan-eater, the bawdy Chilean vaudevillian. Despite his personal success, Patrick struggled with the trauma of his childhood and low self-esteem and made few connections with people at work.
This changed, though, when Patrick fell in love with a shipping clerk named James. Their affair was passionate and developed quickly. Patrick had someone to emotionally open up to and share things with. For James, Patrick provided stability and security, which he had been lacking in his life. Everything was perfect…
..until James was tragically transferred to Bangladesh in the Great Clerk Swap of 1999. At the same time, the government announced that celebrity design would be privatised and automated, so Patrick was also made redundant. With no love, no job, and no connection to the world, Patrick simply faded into non-existence.
In 2003, though, an old co-worker in a pub said, “Who was that guy who used to design celebs… Patrick something?” and Patrick found himself back in Coburg, existing again four years later. Having experienced the land of undead phantoms, Patrick resolved not to make the same mistakes twice. Not needing money (people who’ve seen the other side understand that money is just an illusion), he continued to design celebrities for his own enjoyment, and did some of his best work. However, because there was no system to place them, he simply released them into the Coburg community. If you’ve ever met an unusually charismatic and good-looking Coburgian, there’s a good chance they’re a Brainchime Design. He also spent more time among people, sitting outside the Coburg library and smiling at people as they came in. More importantly, though, he forgave his parents for the unfair judgements they made of him and absolved himself of that guilt. Patrick Brainchime died in his sleep in January 2021, smiling because he knew what was to come.
By Henry Matheson
The Coburg Meddler 