Holt was swimming one day when a rip caught his ankle. He tried to kick free, but the rip really had to insist. “Not today, rip,” Holt said, “I have prime minister things to do.” “I really must insist,” the rip said. Holt realised the rip was as stubborn as a Russian diplomat and gave in. As he swept out he was overcome with a feeling of dread – he’d forgotten to lock his car.
***
Holt came to on an island, the kind that are all surrounded by water. The trees were screaming, but it was just excitement and they soon stopped. He sat on the sand and tried to think about what to do. All he could think about was a joke someone had told him in the war. The punchline escaped him.
***
Years passed, then days, and months, in that order. Holt went insane from 1974-8 and again for most of the ‘80s, which admittedly was a strange decade for all of us. Eventually he settled into a rhythm, after his casino venture went bust due to low patronage. He often thought of home and wondered if they would let him be prime minister still if he went back.
***
One day it rained birdseed. There were no birds on the island though, which seemed like a waste. Holt gave it a spirited try, but just couldn’t get into the texture. To make matters worse, the beach looked like salt and pepper squid.
***
In the centre of the island, Holt found a stone that told you the truth about yourself. He’d heard it from somewhere he couldn’t remember. He knelt down, kissed the stone, and listened. An elemental voice said: “You exist between worlds and must pick one.” “Don’t you think I know that?” Holt said and kicked the stone. It split in two, revealing a small lizard. It added: “You look good in a brown cardigan but it doesn’t suit these climes,” and scurried off. “No doubt about that,” Holt thought.
***
Holt was fishing off a rock when he caught a fish. He was about to apply his bash and eat method to it when it spoke. “I’ve been caught by a magic human. Will you grant me three wishes?” “I thought fish were supposed to grant human wishes.” “Nope. I’m not magic.” “Neither am I. In fact, I was about to kill and eat you.” “What if I told you something interesting? There’s a stone on the middle of the island that will tell you the truth about yourself.” This was news to Holt. “Interesting, I’ll check it out, thank you”. He weighed his options with the fish.
***
Holt sat on the beach, sipping his claret and watching the sunset. He accidentally spilled his wine and the sky turned the colour of the claret on the sand. At first Holt was annoyed, because he couldn’t see if he’d spilled any on himself, but eventually something softened. He gave up and dissolved into the sand with the claret, and when the tide came in it washed them both into the sea.
By David Parsons
The Coburg Meddler 