SHORT STORY:

SCOTCH FINGER BUSINESS

“It’s been two weeks since this scotch finger fiasco started, and I’ve spent the entire time trying to clear my name. I’ve brought you all here tonight — yes, I know you’re all anxious to get home — to finally put an end to this.

Can I just firstly say that the underhanded tactics used by Library Management to trap me at the last staff meeting – where we first learned of this scotch finger business – were atrocious; I feel vilified. Yes, I did stick to the scotch fingers when presented with the family assorted, but we were having coffee. Coffee!”

“It’s not conclusive, but you ate them all very quickly!” came an indignant outburst from the back.

“Unless that’s a formal accusation, let me finish! Now, we’re jumping ahead — I’m aware that some of you are just back from leave. For context, two weeks ago there was an event held here at the library; the launch of Lenny Lamington’s latest mystery — sidenote: magnifique. As you’re all aware, the two-biscuit snack packs out the back are individually distributed to attendees and are not meant to be eaten by staff members. And I’m a major proponent of this rule; the attendees love these biscuits — most ask for a second packet!

The staff at that time – myself included – noticed that some packets had been opened, and the scotch fingers gone, leaving a single biscuit remaining. Curiously, it’s always the scotch finger; the other biscuit is left untouched! Since the event, it was clear this biscuit-transgression was not a one-off; it was happening with alarming frequency! We of course went straight to Management, who then set up that fateful staff meeting where my name was sullied. None of you have looked at me the same way since. I’ve heard whispers: ‘bikkie-pincher’, ‘finger-binger’ and ‘Tony Mok-biscuit’.”

“You’ve absolutely lost it! –”

“– I know what I heard! Where was I? Oh, yes: you all think it was me, but my hands are clean! I instead ask you all to look at the grubby hands of our common enemy…

I suspected a rat when I noticed the characteristic way the packets were being broken into; always leaving an uneven, jagged edge. My suspicions were confirmed upon reading the report I commissioned from the EPA’s rodent expert. And I quote: ‘two weeks ago, major tunneling works in the vicinity of the building in question, disrupted and agitated local rat populations’. Further down in the report: ‘Rats are well-known habitualists; despite other options, they will return to specific food they have deemed safe’. Friends, colleagues — the EPA has been inundated with rat-related complaints.

So, I ask you to consider this evidence. Yes, I have a penchant for scotch fingers, but only because they’re the best out of a bad bunch.

And in any case, if it wasn’t the rats, it would probably be Amanda; I think I noticed some crumbs when I was looking inside her backpack.
I rest my case.”

–ES, Coburg

Story inspired by the librarian at Coburg Library – thank you!

Please send in a short story for next edition (500 words or less):
thecoburgmeddler@gmail.com